Manhattan’s Wall Street rumbled as if it were an earthquake zone last week, but seismic shocks were not the cause unless you count the behavior of the Dow Jones average.
No, New York’s financial sector was rocked by something almost as impressive as an earthquake: 378 silver bullet tanker trailers sent by the Secretary of Commerce to suck up the tears of investors and brokers before the flash flood caused a tragedy.
Plummeting prices and dwindling returns made America’s money titans cry like assembly line workers at an onion factory. So wet were Wall Street’s office buildings that mold covered the walls, and rubber galoshes were mandatory. Despondent investors leaping from buildings to their doom landed in 9 feet of water and drowned instead. Something had to be done before a greater calamity occurred.
Onlookers marveled at how 100-ton kitchen sponges soaked up the tears. These were then picked up by giant robotic arms that squeezed the liquid into the tankers. In a spirit of fun, one of the operators left his sponge beneath the rear end of the famous bull statue.
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