Scientists around the world have been alarmed in recent weeks by the unusual geological disruptions their fancy lab equipment is picking up, especially now that they have determined the source of this seismic activity: Bitcoin markets crashing.
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” leading researcher Dr. Ferris Whelan told reporters. “These crypto markets are plummeting so fast and hard they are literally making the earth shake.”
Industry insiders have widely noted that the behavior and effects of relatively new currencies and “crypto” like Bitcoin are still being determined.
“These are new methods of harboring value,” a leading economist added at the press conference. “There is a lot of volatility, and we don’t know how that plays out. That it would affect the planet’s geologic stability is frankly surprising.”
Scientists may not fully understand the mechanics of these novel market forces, but there is some good news: they have a plan. “I’m buying Bitcoin,” Dr. Whelan stated after the conference. “I believe it’s the only way to get this thing back up where it should be, and we can’t let this happen again. Also, I’m going to start wearing a helmet around the house. Can’t be too careful these days.”
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