In a bizarre regulatory hiccup, the FMCSA has temporarily classified country music as a hazardous material after a driver’s impromptu cry session led to a multi-vehicle slowdown on I-40.
The incident occurred near Nashville when trucker Wesley “Two-Tear” Boone reportedly began sobbing uncontrollably to a new breakup ballad by Cody Wren. Eyewitnesses say Boone’s tears fogged up his windshield, causing him to miss an exit and jackknife slightly – without injury but with considerable emotional damage.
“It was that line about the dog dying and the girl leaving in the same verse,” Boone said, still sniffling. “I never stood a chance.”
Local authorities arrived to find Boone curled in the sleeper, radio blaring, surrounded by crumpled napkins and half a pecan pie. “It was like a scene from The Notebook, but with diesel fumes,” said State Trooper Maria Denton.
The FMCSA, already overwhelmed with classification changes, allegedly misunderstood the officer’s report. Within hours, they issued a bulletin stating: “Due to recent roadway disruptions, certain emotional materials – namely twang-heavy tracks with lyrics involving heartbreak, dogs, or tractors – will be temporarily treated as Hazmat Class 9: Miscellaneous Dangerous Goods.”
Country stations nationwide were forced to preface songs with disclaimers. SiriusXM’s Roadhouse Radio now begins each set with, “Warning: May cause reflective flashbacks and unsafe lane changes.”
Truck stops saw a sudden spike in tissues, sunglasses, and glazed donuts – items now dubbed “comfort gear.” Meanwhile, some drivers are embracing the shift.
“I slapped a HAZMAT placard on my cab and played George Strait all the way through Georgia,” said hauler Jeb “Slow Lane” Connors. “People gave me space. Felt good.”
The American Country Music Association has filed an appeal, calling the label “tone-deaf.” But drivers aren’t sure they want it reversed.
“Honestly,” Boone shrugged, “it’s the first time someone’s acknowledged how dangerous a fiddle solo can be at 2 a.m. in Kentucky.”
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