A new federal mandate for automatic emergency braking (AEB) systems on all heavy trucks has been a surprising success in one key regard: it has solved the problem of trucks running into things. Unfortunately, it has also caused all trucks in the state of Ohio to come to a complete and permanent stop.
The new technology, which is designed to detect obstacles and apply the brakes, has reportedly been over-sensitized to the unique topography of Ohio’s highway system. The state’s legendary potholes, which many drivers consider a rite of passage, are being registered as catastrophic, vehicle-ending obstacles.
“I was just cruising along on I-71, saw a pothole the size of a small moon crater, and the next thing I know, my truck is at a dead stop,” said a driver who asked to be referred to as “Roadrunner.” “The system just screams, ‘IMMINENT COLLISION!’ The only collision it’s preventing is my truck from getting any farther down the road.”
Ohio state officials, initially thrilled with the reduction in accidents, are now grappling with an even bigger problem: the complete paralysis of the state’s logistics network. Trucks are now lined up for miles on major highways, their emergency lights flashing, as drivers wait for the sensors to recalibrate.
“We’re now officially a state of a hundred thousand unmoving trucks,” said a spokesperson for the Ohio Department of Transportation. “The good news is, we’ve found a new use for all those orange barrels. We’re using them as makeshift beds for the drivers.”
“At this point,” said another frustrated driver, “the only thing that can get a truck moving in this state is a mechanic with a sledgehammer and a full thermos of coffee.”
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