The FMCSA’s ongoing deliberations on speed limiters have taken an unexpected turn, thanks to a leaked draft proposal suggesting a bold new direction: trucks that adjust their maximum speed based on the driver’s emotional state.
“If the driver’s angry, the truck tops out at 35 mph,” said an anonymous DOT source familiar with the pilot program. “If they’re calm and centered, they might get the full 68. We’re calling it ‘FeelSafe’ – because you shouldn’t be doing 70 if you just screamed at your dispatcher.”
The proposed system includes biometric scanners in the steering wheel, voice stress analysis from dash mics, and “coffee spill metrics” used to assess agitation. Trucks would reportedly be programmed to “encourage mindfulness” during periods of heightened stress.
“My rig won’t even let me merge unless I’ve done 60 seconds of deep breathing,” said one pilot tester, Travis “Zen Axle” Mullins, who now travels with a meditation bell and lavender air freshener. “It’s like trucking meets therapy. Except the therapist is a Volvo with a superiority complex.”
Drivers across the country have offered mixed reactions.
“I ain’t got time for emotional check-ins,” said lease-op Larry Snopes, who once punched a Qualcomm unit for interrupting his audiobook. “What if I’m sad but still need to deliver toilet paper? The truck’s gonna throw a pity party in the breakdown lane?”
Fleet managers are reportedly intrigued by the safety benefits but concerned about the potential for “emotional gridlock” during peak season. One major carrier has already hired two life coaches and a licensed aromatherapist “just in case.”
A test unit in Utah refused to start until its driver resolved a “lingering grudge” with his co-driver from 2022. “The dash just flashed a frowny face and played Enya,” said the baffled operator. “We missed our dock time by 9 hours.”
The FMCSA declined to comment on the leak, but internal notes reportedly include a contingency plan titled: “Manual Override for Drivers Experiencing Existential Despair.”
Whether FeelSafe makes it to final rulemaking remains to be seen – but for now, drivers are advised to keep calm and carry on… at a regulated speed.
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