In a shocking move to resolve the ongoing legal battle over federal versus state emissions standards, the Department of Justice has filed an emergency motion demanding that all commercial truckers in California revert to a “pre-internal combustion” signaling system. The new directive would require drivers to use a complex series of hand gestures to indicate turns, stops, and – in a nod to the federal emissions debate – how angry they are about the whole situation.
The move, which sidesteps the messy court battle between the DOJ and the California Air Resources Board (CARB), is being hailed by federal officials as a “common-sense solution.” An official spokesperson, who was seen making a slow, deliberate clockwise motion with his hand, confirmed the decision. “The problem, as we see it, is that modern vehicle technology has become a proxy for policy disagreement,” he said. “If we go back to the basics, we can just solve this with pure human ingenuity and a whole lot of waving.”
Drivers, however, are struggling to adapt to the new mandates. “I tried to signal a left turn, but my hand got stuck in a gust of wind, and I ended up accidentally flipping off a state trooper,” said a flatbed driver named Earl. “Now I have to go to court, and the judge is demanding I perform the whole routine again to prove my innocence.”
The hand signals are reportedly part of a larger federal plan to get back to basics. A source close to the matter confirmed that the next step may involve replacing Electronic Logging Devices (ELDs) with a series of smoke signals and bird calls.
“At this point,” said a regulatory official, “we’re just hoping nobody mistakes the ‘I’m out of hours’ signal for the ‘I’m hungry and want a taco’ signal.”
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