In a wildly important development for both medical science and society at large, today, researchers at the University of Upper Nebraska have announced that they have discovered the cure for road rage.
“We have long suspected that road rage is basically just a chemical reaction,” lead researcher Douglas Pleasantman told the press. “Now we know it is- it’s the body’s chemical response to other people driving like idiots.”
How did they capture the cure in a small pill you can easily pop into your mouth when you begin to feel the symptoms of road rage- symptoms like rising anger, the urge to shout obscenities, and a certain twitching in your middle finger?
“We have developed a holistic chemical compound that calms the nervous system and drastically reduces the urge to let other people know just how stupid they are.”
In a clinical trial, tailgating was reduced by over ninety percent. Participants reported the desire to honk was significantly reduced, while the compulsion to roll the window down and shout, “Learn how to drive, you son of a-!” was completely eradicated.
“Unfortunately, the pill does not stop other people from driving like they just got into a car for the first time in their lives and have no idea what they’re doing- we are currently working on a cure for that, but we anticipate it will take several years before it’s ready for market.
In the meantime, I guess we can at least rest easy knowing there is a cure for us, if not for everyone else on the road.
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